Joyfully present

Do you ever get jolts of happiness and love just bursting through your body? Sometimes during moments that don't call for much happiness at all? No? Maybe it's just me.

Just now, as I sat down to write a new entry on my blog, I got a sudden burst of lightness and joy. And it really was for no good reason. In fact, this entry was going to be a bit of a negative rant on how difficult my life has been for the last few months. A real sob story about lack of motivation, procrastination, heartache, and boredom. But now, I see how untrue that sob story would have been, not because none of those experience were real, but because none of those thing are happening now. Right now, as I sit here writings this, I am happy. I can only feel this way because I am being truly present in this very moment. Maybe that is what inspiration is? It can only really happen if one is present, open and free of regrets or worry.

There is a little illustration of myself I did a few weeks ago, which strangely enough describes how I am feeling now. And at the time, I wasn't even thinking when I drew her (me). I must admit, I have a little fascination with drawing myself, slightly egotistical I know, but it is actually somehow quite therapeutic. It feels like I am drawing the best part of me, giving her a place to be outside of my hugely complicated self. I did share this little drawing on Facebook, but I feel drawn to share it here too, only because it seems to so appropriate.

To feel happiness is to be open to the present, and to allow that jolt of light or inspiration to feed everything you do. I wish I could learn to do this all the time, instead of having these moments come so fleetingly. As long as I try and remember to keep present and be still enough times in my day, I hope that these burst of joy keep coming around.

Transform & carry on

Change is never easy. Especially in the context of culture and tradition. There will be those who refuse to accept change, and will even fight to keep things as they are. While there is great value in keeping tradition and culture alive, there is greater value in the organic and inevitable change that comes with life. If we don't change, we die. Pure and simple. Because nothing remains the same. Our mother and home, Earth herself, is constantly changing, and has been for billions of years. The life she breeds adapts to this change, it all flows. Species evolve or die. Had our ancestors chosen to remain the same, and not adapt to change, we would not exist.

Imagine a tribe settled in a valley by a flowing river. They live off the land, hunting and gathering, the land is bountiful and generous. Then slowly, things start to change. The tribe gets bigger, and recourses wane. One member ventures out to explore what lies beyond the valley, following the river up into the mountains and beyond. Days, weeks and months pass, he returns with news, he has found an ideal place for the tribe to settle, but it's a long and difficult trek away. This news does not comfort many, as some members want to stay in the home they have always known, despite all the perils that lay ahead. The tribe decides to splits in two. Some remain in the valley and adapt to harsher conditions while the others move to higher ground.

Many generations later, the highlanders, as they have come to be called, have little connection to their roots in the valley. They now dress differently, because it is colder. They have developed more sophisticated weapons to hunt larger beasts. Not much grows in the ground naturally, so they have learned to nurture the land and develop more advanced methods of farming. Centuries pass and the two tribes that were once one, seem to have very little in common. Even the language they once shared has slowly changed, as have their traditions. But, despite their hardships and unfortunate separation, both tribes survived. They chose very different paths to deal with the same problem, but they both adapted. They found their own way. Had they refused to change anything, and carried on living as they always have, they would have perished.

The one sure thing in life, is change. Adapt or perish. Evolve or die.
So have no fear, only faith in your perseverance. You might have to leave your tribe to survive, or even change your tribe, but you will find greener pastures. And when the time comes for another change, you uproot, transform, and carry on.

Many minds

I have been listening to a lot of interesting things while I work lately. Thank you YouTube.

The subjects vary, but they all pretty much encompass my right brain world. They include talks / lectures / discussions on consciousness, art, creativity, relationships, psychology, dance and much more. I find myself functioning in two different plains. One part of me is here, at my laptop, doing my work. The other part, is swimming away in an ocean of imagination. So how is it, that I still manage to get my work done? And quite honestly, most of the time, it is my best work. 

It is not like I am listening to music, which can of course fuel creativity. I am mostly listening to other people talking. It is as if a part of me that wishes it was outside playing, can now do so by listening to these fascinating talks / lectures / concerts, and be content, while the more practical side of me can just get down to business. It utterly fascinates me, how my brain works. I can be on the hilltops of the Himmalays, learning about Buddist monks, and at the exact same time, be solving a rather complicated brief by a client. It is almost as if I have thrown all manner of classic concentration and focus out the window. The solutions just seem to come, while my busy mind (or the rather one of my minds) is somewhere else.

In fact, I find the harder I try to solve a problem by incessantly attacking it with all my intellectual might, the more I get further away from doing so. It is only when I relax, let go, and listen to something that I enjoy (while I work), do I find that the solutions seem to come quite naturally and without much effort.

Can we be in two places at once? Of course I know that our bodies always occupy the same space, but we don't only exist in our bodies. Our minds are vast, they can take us to the edge of the universe and back. I do admit though, that sometimes when I snap back into my body and then realise it's 11pm on Tuesday night and I am still at my laptop working, I should have probably given my mind(s) a rest hours ago.

And on that rather fitting note, it is time for me to log off and go to bed.
Where will my mind go tonight?

To be seen

Surely blogging can't be this tough. I am usually so good at talking, and sharing my ideas and opinions. So why has it felt like pulling teeth lately? I started this blog with the best of intentions, hoping to create an honest and trasparent space for expressing myself. Of course, expressing myself on the internet meant that I also wanted people to read what I had to say. In there lies the problem. A deep seeded set of insecurities began to surface with each posted blog. Who is reading this? What do they think of me? Do I sound pretencious? Is any of this interesting to anyone? Why is no one commenting? Is anyone reading this?!

Yes, it got a little loud in my head. Too loud in fact that the words that needed to find their way out got lost in the chaos. I can't even count the amount of deleted first lines, which would have probably amounted to a room full of crunched up paper. And there I was, perched on a chair, under an enormous discarded pile of thoughts, head in my hands, a defeating silence in the room, with an explosion of chaos my head.

Authentic transparency is not as easy as it seems. I had hoped that this blog would be just that, a platform for me to be truly authentic. As much as I try to live my life by that rule, fear of judgement is always present. I find that generally our biggest fear ultimately lies in being truly seen and accepted for who we are. We spend so much time crafting an intricate image of ourselves which has to constantly measure up to other equally intricate personas. Are we not all ultimately the same? Just making it up as we go along, desperate to feel some sort of belonging in a world were being normal is just not good enough anymore.

In any case, a little light bulb has gone off in my head today, giving me the long awaited inspiration to write something I hope is somehow worthwhile. So from the comfort of my little balcony, overlooking a city that refuses to sleep, I bid you goodnight. May you all be truly seen and accepted for who you are with infinite love and compassion.

Thank You

I never listened to these lyrics carefully before, or maybe I did, but I just wasn't of the right state of mind and heart to truly hear the message. Thank you Alanis Morrissette. Gratitude is a gift which we rarely use. 


How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm full up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence


By Alanis Morrisette

Graduation

The week leading up to my thirtieth birthday was nerve wrecking, it felt like I was getting ready for some sort of graduation, I was actually feeling nervous. Yes I know, it is ridiculous. What could I possibly be nervous about? 

Well, today is my birthday, and there is no graduation ceremony, no standing ovations for having made it through my twenties unscathed. Well, maybe a little scathed, but I am grateful for every heartache, every tear cried, every lesson learned, every joyous moment shared. I am grateful for all of it, good and bad. 

Ten years ago today, I was getting ready to graduate from University. Maybe that's why I have this bizarrely similar feeling. Perhaps a decade is so symbolic that my emotional memories are triggered, bringing rise to the surface the same nervousness that sat with me for the many days preceding my graduation. Imagine if it were true though, if we all literally graduated from every decade. Ideally, this is how I would envision it. 

No one would fail at this school of life, there would be no honor graduates, no valedictorians. While there might be those that come out triumphant, having succeeded financially or otherwise, they would not be held in reverence over those who might not have succeeded as well. Everyone graduates in equal measure. Perhaps those who feel compelled to share their experiences, could take the stage, their words helping a younger students of life sitting in the crowd. If it were my speech it would probably go something life this.

"Don't worry so much, it gets in the way of seeing all the blessings in your life. If you wake up one morning and realize you hate your job, be assured you are not alone. All it means is that it is time for change, so don't waste a moment feeling bad for yourself. Be adventurous while you can, you might get lazy later on. Respect your youth, don't take your body for granted, it starts to show when you get closer to 30! Be as healthy as you can. Make mistakes, by all means, but learn from them. Be ambitious, but don't be ruthless, what goes around comes around. Spend as much time as you can alone, to reflect and relax. Be true to yourself, recognize where your values come from, and make sure they are yours and not anyone else's. Love. Live. Play. Explore. Expand. Enjoy!"

Picture perfect

There is nothing in life quite as delightful as endless summer days in a picturesque medieval European town. The long lazy walks in rose gardens, the delicious local beer, the cobblestone streets, the buzzing markets, the stunning views of the black forest, the majestic Rhine river, the imposing medieval architecture, the smell of freshly backed bread, the sound of birds chirping in the afternoon, the rustling of the leaves as you take another sip of your cool beverage in a biergarten, the whizzing of bicycles with baskets of fresh flowers, the shirtless sunbathers in the park, the aspiring jugglers in the park, the secret lovers in the park, the ducklings, the smell of the tree and grass after a rainstorm.. I could go on and on.. there is nothing quite like it.. and the best way to capture it is to be present in every moment. No picture perfect postcard can begin to replicate that sense of being. It was perfect.